How to Build a Legacy of Love?

We all crave connection. From the first tender touch of a newborn's hand to the warm embrace of an old friend, human beings are wired for relationships. These bonds shape us, define us, and become the heart of our legacy. But in a world that often prioritizes fleeting trends over lasting connections, how do we build relationships that truly last—a legacy of love that surpasses generations? But why do people find a legacy of love so much harder to build than a legacy of money?

Love is described as the greatest feeling on Earth, impacting everything we do. It encompasses a variety of forms, from passionate love, familial love, and friendship to parental love and Agape love—the unconditional love for all mankind. Dr. Kim Harms, in her deeply personal and insightful book How to Build a Legacy to Die For, presents a very unique and profoundly moving exploration of love, loss, and the enduring power of human connection.

We live in a world that is both chaotic and beautiful, filled with a mix of people, cultures, and experiences. From educated to uneducated, tall to short, our planet is home to over eight billion individuals exploring a landscape marked by both good and evil. Amidst wars, economic uncertainties, and global pandemics, we also find stunning sunsets, breathtaking beaches, and vibrant rainforests. Throughout our lives, two universal experiences connect us all: the miracle of birth and the certainty of death. How to Build a Legacy to Die For aims to help you make the most of the time in between.

It's not just a guide to estate planning; it's a heartfelt journey into the heart of what makes a life truly meaningful. More than simply a how-to manual for preparing for death, it's an invitation to live a life brimming with love, leaving behind a legacy that reflects long after we're gone. Kim's perspective is uniquely shaped by her own experiences. She's not just a seasoned dentist and philanthropist; she's a woman who's faced unimaginable loss and emerged with a profound understanding of the power of human connection. This understanding, coupled with her considerable wit and remarkable resilience, forms the backbone of this exceptional book.

"There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, calling to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that"—powerful words by Mark Twain remind us of the brevity of life, that life is too short, and to focus on love over trivial conflicts.

The book explores the multifaceted nature of love, examining its various forms and the magnitude of elements that nurture its growth:

The Foundations of Eternal Love: Acceptance, Understanding, and Appreciation

Love is a powerhouse built on three pillars: acceptance, understanding, and appreciation. Knock out one of these, and love wobbles like a three-legged stool with one leg missing. Kim's perspective on love is not sentimental or naive; it's grounded in reality. Love, she argues, isn't merely a feeling but an active choice—a commitment to acceptance, understanding, and appreciation. These three pillars are the bedrock of any lasting relationship, forming a solid triangle of support that can withstand life's inevitable storms.

Acceptance: This is not passive resignation; it's a conscious choice to handle the imperfections and vulnerabilities of both ourselves and those we love. It's about accepting that no one is perfect, that we all make mistakes, and that these flaws are often what make us uniquely beautiful. This acceptance extends not only to others but also to ourselves. Kim's own journey portrays the importance of self-acceptance, recognizing our inherent worth, regardless of past mistakes or external judgments. Her path to self-acceptance wasn't easy. Born with physical differences due to her mother's unwitting ingestion of thalidomide, Kim faced a lifetime of societal judgments. Yet, instead of letting these external perceptions define her, she chose to embrace her unique identity. This journey of self-acceptance, detailed in the book, reveals how she transformed perceived limitations into strengths, ultimately inspiring others to find their own inherent worth regardless of physical challenges.

Understanding: Understanding isn't simply hearing words; it's actively listening, seeking to comprehend experiences and emotions. This requires empathy and compassion, a willingness to see things from another's point of view rather than simply reacting to their words or actions.
Kim's experiences working with survivors of the Rwandan genocide exemplify this. Listening to their stories of trauma, loss, and incredible resilience, she witnessed the power of empathy, forgiveness, and healing firsthand. These women, who initially felt they had nothing to leave behind, discovered that love—the love they shared and received—was their greatest legacy. This realization lifted them beyond their material struggles. They found that love was their greatest inheritance, a testament to its universal power.

Appreciation: This involves actively recognizing and celebrating the positive qualities of those we love. It's about expressing gratitude for their presence in our lives, acknowledging their contributions, big and small, and making them feel valued and cherished. Kindness might seem small, but it packs a punch. Sending cards on special occasions, like Paul and Kathy Rieke did—sending over a hundred to Kim and her spouse—shows how tiny gestures can leave a lasting mark. It's these little acts of kindness that build a legacy.

Early Childhood Bonds: The Seeds of Lasting Love

The book is sprinkled with personal stories that hit you right in the feels. Kim reminisces about her mother, who showed her love in the sweetest ways. Think cozy weekend campouts by the fireplace and the family tradition of playing Danny Kaye's "I Am Five" for every five-year-old. These memories didn't just warm hearts—they built a fortress of security and belonging.

Kim passionately referred to the Attachment Theory in her book. Strong, loving attachments in early life are crucial for healthy emotional and social development. According to the theory, Kids need a caregiver who's got their back and meets their physical and emotional needs. This creates a secure base for them to grow into emotionally healthy adults who can form strong relationships. A secure attachment—formed through consistent, responsive caregiving—provides a safe base from which we can explore the world and develop healthy relationships. Conversely, insecure attachments can leave us with anxieties and challenges in forming deep, trusting connections. Kim shares her own poignant memories of her relationship with her mother, a woman who battled bipolar disorder yet showered her children with unwavering love during her healthier periods. This powerful anecdote relishes the enduring impact of unconditional love, even in the face of adversity. Despite the challenges in her mother's life, Kim's memories of those times are filled with warmth.

The indelible mark that a loving parent can leave on a child's heart is invaluable, even if those years of care were limited by the circumstances of the parent's life. Unconditional Love is a recurring theme in the book.

Building a Legacy of Love: Intentional Acts of Connection

How to Build a Legacy to Die For isn't merely a reflection on past relationships; it's a guide for actively building stronger, more meaningful connections in the present. Eudaimonia, a Greek concept translating to flourishing or living well, is the term for the highest human good. It entails growth, authenticity, meaning, and excellence. To achieve eudaimonia, we need virtues such as courage, wisdom, good humor, moderation, and kindness.

Intentional acts of kindness, appreciation, and communication— are the small gestures that can have an imperative impact on our relationships. Kim shares simple yet effective strategies for inducing love and connection, including:

Practicing active listening: Truly hearing what others are saying, both verbally and nonverbally, showing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings.

Expressing gratitude: Regularly communicating appreciation for the people in our lives, acknowledging their contributions, and making them feel valued.

Setting healthy boundaries: Protecting our emotional and physical well-being by setting clear boundaries and ensuring that our relationships are mutually respectful and supportive.

Repairing Relationships: As we get older, our relationships might need some TLC. The key? Be understanding, set boundaries, and above all, love yourself. Loving someone doesn't mean letting them walk all over you. Setting boundaries allows for forgiveness and reconciliation without sacrificing your emotional health.

Making time for connection: Prioritizing time spent with loved ones, engaging in activities that we enjoy together, and creating opportunities for meaningful conversation.

Practicing forgiveness: Letting go of resentment and anger, choosing to forgive ourselves and others, and freeing ourselves from the burdens of the past.

Embracing imperfections: Accepting ourselves and others for who we are, flaws and all.

The Legacy That Endures: Love Beyond the Grave

The love we give and receive—forms the enduring legacy we leave behind. It's not about the material possessions we accumulate but the connections we forge, the memories we create, and the impact we have on the lives of others. This legacy is not confined to the years we spend on this earth but extends beyond our mortality.

So articulate your love for your loved ones, not just through words but through actions, to create a tangible legacy that provides comfort, support, and a sense of continuity for those left behind. This might involve writing heartfelt letters, creating cherished keepsakes, or simply making the conscious choice to express love and appreciation every day. It's through these acts of love that our legacy truly blossoms, extending beyond our physical existence and enriching the lives of others for generations to come.

How to Build a Legacy to Die For is more than just a book; it's a catalyst for change. It's a heartfelt invitation to examine our relationships, nurture our connections, and create a legacy defined by the depth and richness of our love. It's a call to live intentionally, to cherish those we love, and to build relationships that not only shape our lives but resonate long after we're gone. It's a testament to the enduring power of human connection and the profound and lasting legacy of love.

Grab a copy of How to Build a Legacy to Die For—it might just be the most important book you ever read.