Beware, beware all women who live in the Mayfair section of Philadelphia. The Swiss Cheese Pervert is on the loose, and police says he's armed and dairy. He goes driving around in a newer model sedan looking for women. Once he finds a woman that he likes he pulls over, rolls down his window and offers to pay the lady. For what does he offer these funds for? To watch him masterbate with, you guessed it, swiss cheese, of course.

Mayfair is a blue collar section of Philly. It's a mostly white, Irish-American community with, get this, a farming past. Perhaps the pervert decided to honor Mayfair's past by creating this dairy schtick. He's crazier than crazy, and it would be so stereotypical if he was an alcoholic. Either way, he definitely isn't the cheez wiz.

But just who is the Swiss Cheese Pervert? Some say he's part of the 1 percent, while others say he's simply a weirdo. The Swiss Cheese Pervert's name isn't known at this time, but it won't be hard for cops to find this guy. A grainy picture obtained by U.K. publication The Independent show a very large man, in his car, looking straight into someone's camera sans pants. So maybe this should have been made clear before -- this story is NSFW.

One woman received a text message she believes to have been from the creeper. The contents of the message tell us why the Swiss Cheese Bandit is so infatuated with cheese :

"I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products.

"So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls." How romantic! Actually, not at all. These texts are the very definition of TMI.

Unsurprisingly, internet commenters are eating this story up, except for the vegan readers, they're flippin' mad. Frank Fisher, a commenter on The Independent's website, has this to say about the ludicrous story, "This story is full of holes." The question everyone should be asking is if there's a 12-step program for cheese addicts.

If you come across this guy just make sure to never pull out your camera and say cheese. You don't want to know what will happen next! Just do everyone a favor and call the police.

What do you think about this story? Is it too cheesy for you? Let us know in the comments below.